Whipped, stirred & shaken

Have you ever been inside of a tornado? Me either. But I think I know how it feels.

Have you ever been dropped to the bottom of a well? Me either. But I think I know how it feels.

Have you ever felt like someone took your heart out of your chest pulverized it and then handed it back? Me too.

I’m not a relationship expert, but I have relationship experience. I know in my head and my heart what I want a relationship too look like and what I want it to feel like. I know that I’d rather be single or divorced than live in the relationships that some people have. I know that I am loved, and I don’t need sex to prove that. I know that relationships take hard work and commitment, I’m not afraid of either. I also know that to be in a healthy relationship you have to go into that relationship as healthy as you can possibly be. I don’t just mean physical healthy or mentally healthy, but also spiritually healthy.

If you’re looking for a relationship to have a (ladies) a man, men (a lady)-to complete you, then you’re getting yourself in a mess from the get-go. There is no man or woman out there that is going to complete you and make you whole, that’s God’s job. Someone special in your life should complete you, they should encourage you to build your weak points and they should appreciate your strengths.

What does this have to do with a health & wellness blog. If we aren’t in a good place in our head, we won’t be in a good place to be in a relationship. If we aren’t in a good relationship then our heads and emotional health aren’t in a place where we can focus on our physical, mental and spiritual health.

Being in a bad relationship is a mentally and emotionally draining experience. It’s can also easily become a spiritually draining. About 5 months ago I was able to step away from and walk away from a relationship that I’d been 100% committed to for over 5 years. I will openly admit that the relationship was over at least a year before that, only I was the last to know. Honesty is foundational in any relationship family, friend or dating and if you can’t trust that other person it’s time to make the tough choices.

I don’t share men. I don’t kiss and tell. And I’m certainly not going to allow a man to keep a mistress nor will I be the other woman. PTSD is a poor mistress she and I don’t have menage a trois well.

Some of the loneliest times in my life have been in a relationship. In a society that believes in easy relationship and cheap love, quick sex and easy divorce I’m a sticker. I’m a burr. I don’t give up on people. One of the hardest questions I’ve ever had to ask myself & God was:
I’m I giving up or letting go?
Is holding on Your will or are you asking me to release my romantic dreams and plans to You?
God, how does someone just fall out of love?

I was recently talking (okay messaging) to a friend about my struggle with these questions and this came out, it was an ah-ha moment for both of us:
…and maybe just maybe it’s not falling out of love or choosing not to love maybe love was so wounded battered and beaten it was smothered to extinction.
If you have a fire on the stove and you put the lid on it, or baking soda or salt, douse it with water or blanket it with chemical from a fire extinguisher, the fire goes out.
Maybe love is a flame a fire that person in a relationship is responsible for. We each contribute to keeping it burning and red hot. In a relationship you and your spouse (or if not married commitment companion) light each other’s fire.
If that other person continues to smothered our fire instead of feeding the flame love dies. When our flame of love gets extinguished nothing is left but ash. Then love has died. It’s a process. It’s deliberately dousing the fire. It’s not an accident, a trip or a falling out of love. (Please do not misinterpret what I just said to justify premarital sex, I will firmly, clearly & plainly go on record as being 100% against premarital sex. While this has not always been my position, I now believe that this is a God’s position on sex and a biblical principle I choose to make a priority.)

Before you’re in the right headspace to look for a relationship you have to first be happy being single. You have to know your life will go on and you can have a happy life with or without a guy.

Love is a multi faceted thing….you can have love. You can have love without a relationship. Yes I’m playing on the Greek meaning and definition of love. And for now forget Eros love exists. Sex is not love. Sex and porn is cheap imitation of real love.

Relationships should feel like soft warm fuzzy blankets and hot tea in front of a fire on a winter day….comfortable and cozy, a cooperative. Relationships shouldn’t be a battlefield, a competition, they shouldn’t be itchy, scratchy, give you blisters or leave you feeling more alone than being single. They should have moments that feel like skydiving or zip-line-ing.

Relationships from the beginning should be built in such a way that when your both old, grey, sick or even dying, when the kids are gone, or sex has become a logistical nightmare or a distant memory…you still have a friends and still have a strong relationship.

Ladies, don’t sell yourself short out of loneliness. If you’re not in a relationship yet, get yourself in the place to be in one. If you’ve got baggage, so what!?!? We all have baggage. Unpack it or toss it, but please stop carrying it around to use as ammo against the next guy. (Please get what I’m saying, and what I’m not saying…don’t be stupid or naive.) Don’t use your last relationship as a big pit, use it as a spring board. Learn from it, but don’t wallow in it.

We all have had times we’ve been whipped, stirred and shaken don’t resent your past failed relationships, grow from them.

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