I learned to fully rely on God, especially for my future, when I realized there was not a thing I could do about a certain situation. In fact my first blog, on blogger-LOL, had a URL of iFRoG.me. While that domain is defunct, there is still that iFRoG philosophy, I fully rely in God, that threads through my life and my blog.
Many times in life, we depend on God only after we have exhausted all of our human resources and we are at our wits end. Often we “forget” our relationship with God, that we are His heir-His son or daughter.
There are a lot of people in the Bible I identify with. Peter for instances-I so totally get him. He’s brash, he’s bold. he speaks then thinks, he’s always got hoof in mouth disease-but he’s solid, dependable, steadfast, sturdy, a leaders, used of God. I get Peter.
Hannah. Now Hannah is someone I can also totally understand how she feels. She wants a child, badly. She looks around at all the other women her age. Yep. They’ve got husbands. They’ve got kids. They are “being a mother”. While I am sure that being a mother has it’s moments and isn’t always as romantic as it appears-its still something I long for in my heart of hearts. It is a dream I’ve always had. My mom says that when she was expecting my brother ( I was 28 months when he was born) that I’d say I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up. It is a dream of mine that I have often been ashamed of. As a teenager in the mid-90’s the hip thing for females to want was to be CEO’s, doctors, computer programmers’…those occupations that our teachers had groomed us for and told us we’d have to fight the boys toe to toe for. I’ve always heard the idea of “fight like a girl” better than a boy and learn to play the “game” in such a way that brains wins over beauty. Leave him so far in the dust that as you get what you’re after (promotion, title, job etc) he never knew what hit him. After all women are so much better than men.
…and if that wasn’t stated that way, it was certainly implied throughout my public school education. Which now makes perfect sense, since my teachers would have been of the mid to late 60’s and a product of the rabid women’s lib movement. Although I was from a conservative Christian home, I didn’t get a lot to counterbalance the rabid feminism. Truthfully my parents may not have been aware of the undertones. I remember thinking in high school that strong women had to be strong enough to survive no matter what-even if it meant eating a man…literally…for those who have no idea what I’m talking about go Google “The Donner Party”.
In spite of the unpopular-ness of motherhood. I still wanted to be a mom, though in those day’s I would never own up to it. I would have been so uncool. I remember toying with the idea of being a doctor, forget the fact I hate science & math, because being a doctor was prestigious, it had job security and you made lots of money. The down side was that you had to put medicine first above all else. That one thing was enough to keep me from seriously considering it.
In 2007 when I had gastric bypass surgery, my question was: Will I still be able to have kids.
Yet I find myself single. Unmarried. Not Married. No prospects in sight. …and honestly getting past the age generally acceptable as safe to have kids. Admittedly, most kids drive me insane.
(During VBS this year my 18 year old cousin, yup I’m old enough to be her mom!! joked that I’d been a “teacher” all week and no kids were harmed. Its not that I dislike kids-it’s more that I expect them to act like they have a brain. I understand age appropriate behavior, I don’t understand nor will accept swing from the ceiling fan, crawling under the pews or crawling up the walls. Once in a while a one of them lil curtain climbers will get under my skin like a mosquito…and despite everything I fall head over heels.)
I’m not against adoption. I’ve often, and actively consider that an acceptable solution. I’ve often said though that if Sarah could have a son at 105 then I have at least 50 years until I have to start getting worried.
The one person I most identify with in the Bible in Abraham. Why? God made him a promise that didn’t make sense. God said: trust me go to the land I will show you, and you won’t know where you’re going until you get there. I will make you the father of descendants so numerous that they will be like the sand and the stars, and yet at the time Abraham had no children/son…forget grandkids or greats.
Abraham had to choose to trust God and choose to walk in faith. He had to trust God when it didn’t make sense, when he didn’t have all the answers, when human logic said something completely different than what God had promised, when he didn’t understand he still had to continue to actively day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute CHOOSE to trust God. I am sure that is not at all as easy as it seems when we read about it in Genesis or even in Hebrews.
Because I know trusting God takes hard work, focus and dedication. When I’d really like to be out on a date with my hubs or boyfriend (for the record I have neither, but I am accepting applications). When I have college friends that get married, have kids etc. When I’m in a store and I see a mom cuddling her baby or toddler or giving her child a spontaneous hug…and I want that relationship.
Then I have to fully choose to actively trust God. I have to choose to remember His promise to me:
Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.
Ephesians 3:20 AMP
Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]
Then I start, quickly praying God I’m not talking about litters of children. I’ll take multiples, but please no more than 3 are a time. Then I realize, no matter how many children God chooses to bless me with…by birth or adoption…by single or multiples…I will trust Him them, just as I trust Him now.