…or is it?
So I was wondering today if I had what it takes….you know back in October I set the goal of being back down to the size 10-12 I obtained after I was laid off in 2011.
It was my lowest weight ever – even in the immediate 6 months after weight loss surgery. I serendipitously arrived there…I simply didn’t know what to do with myself to I walked…and walked and walked…
I realized that I had choices I was not a victim of a hereditary fat gene…a sedentary fat gene activation maybe…but being “fat” was not genetically wired in my DNA. I could lose weight it took discipline. It either took discipline about my food choices or my exercise choices – often it was about looking at what was going on in my life and how I was reacting to them and my unconscious reaction.
I realized I had to be present and show up in my own life – I couldn’t life life in a default or static mode. In a default mode, stress sends me to noshing hand over fist without true conscious thought on such things as – sticky honey buns blanketed in a delectable layer of thick icing; or piping hot melt in your mouth – have I died this must be heaven – Krispy Kreme donuts hot off the press; or Coconut Dream Cream Cake luscious and delectable melt in your mouth coconut in every bite. Me in default mode is eating foods that to me are “toxic”. Sugar, since weight loss surgery will literally make me vomit…when I’m not disciplined and not present in my own life this is where I find myself.
A year ago February I was hired on to my first permanent job post-layoff. It was a struggle to get back into it. I didn’t want to be in corporate AMerica, I didn’t want to work long hours, everything stressed me to the max and often I would cry all the way to work, all the way home and sometimes even at lunch. I simply had no words. Was too overwhelmed. Was too distrusting of those that were my managers and supervisors. Functioning day to day was a struggle. I was in Dora mode – I just kept swimming, swimming, swimming and I simply refused to sink. I kept fighting.
Things started getting a bit better – and then I get a phone call from a friend from college – she was letting me know a full year in advance so I would PLAN on going to Ohio for her wedding and see friends I hadn’t seen for over 10 years.
At that point I knew what I needed to do, I knew that losing weight was something I had to do for me – but I still wasn’t mentally able to subject myself to the personal discipline it would take.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is get in a good “headspace” – whatever your mind is unconsciously thinking that is where your actions go….
(And as I sit here typing that sentence – I realized my mind had sentenced myself to failure – it has somehow slipped into a static default mode and had declared that there was no way I was going to meet goal by the first of May. THat is the furthest thing from the truth – this ain’t over till its over and then there is always – okay I didn’t get to that size 12 but I’m smaller and healthier than I was.)
So back in October when I picked up a second job I knew one of two things would happen a) I would go into my default mode when I was stress and start relying on my “drug of choice” carb-age or I could make a conscious decision to be present and fight.
To me it was a no-brainer I decided to be present and fight. To date I have dropped from a Women’s size 20 to a Misses size 16. Yup, there were some stumbles through the holidays – so what? Babies when they learn to walk often fall and the pick themselves up (most) don’t have a melt down temper tantrum (if they do you’re probably dealing with a type A personality 🙂 ). So yup I had some holiday cheesecake. I went to parties and predetermined I was allowed ½ of a serving of a single dessert – not a serving of each on there – I didn’t feel lonely, left out or deprived…many times the few bites I ate were too sweet – but it was a compromise with myself. It was a deliberate choice and not a default action.
If was a disciplined choice – not born of someone else rule for me – but out of my own desire to be healthier and discipled about what I was doing with my life.
Learning to live a toxic-free life is a growing process. It’s not about perfection – its about personal discipline – personal awareness and living in the present.
the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
comes from latin roots and means to instruct as in disciple – disciple one of the 12 – or any follower of Christ.
a person who is a pupil or an adherent of the doctrines of another;follower:
to teach or to train
Synonyms – pupil
a person, usually young, who is learning under the close supervision of a teacher at school, a private tutor, or the like; student.
an orphaned or emancipated minor under the care of a guardian.
a person under the age of puberty orphaned or emancipated, and under the care of a guardian.
refer to a person who is studying
Self-knowledge can be obtained only by looking into the mind and virtue of the soul, which is the diviner part of a man, as we see our own image in another’s eye. [Plato]